I am the worst, most despicable person I’ve ever known. Why? Because I want my mum to die.
My childhood at the hands of my mother was violent. My older brother was put in care because she tried to kill him but that left me behind, protecting my younger brother.
I took her temper. All of it.
It made living unbearable never knowing if I was going to encounter Jekyll or Hyde. The violence broke me, crushed me, suffering in silence.
As I got older I was able to get away, I did, I ran 100 miles away, didn’t look back.
I had children of my own and always in the back of my mind there’s that thought: what if I am like her. I made my partner promise if I ever hurt my kids to take them from me.
Watching them grow more and more I craved a mum, not my mum but the mum others had. Someone that I could turn too, share things with. My mum was a drunk ghost of a parent at best and years went by.
After so long my mum found out she has COPD. It’s life limiting and was her wake up call. She came back into my life, changed.
With time and space I got my wish, a mum. She was brilliant, we became so close, there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk about. I let her in my home, my life and my heart.
For over a year we had that time. I would never swap it. But then out of nowhere because of something stupid she lost her temper and her old self came back.
For the last year I’ve lived without her again. It’s ripping me apart bit by bit day by day. She denies me as a daughter, endeavors to cause and inflict as much pain as she can.
Openly hates and mocks me.
I want my mum to die and I feel so ashamed of myself for thinking this way
It’s like a dark knife twisting in my guts. I miss her so much, so god damn much and yet I can’t be part of her life.
I feel lost without her, like I am not a whole person and knowing she’s out there enjoying my pain makes it that much worse.
She was recently challenged to forgive me and laughed and said I was here to be put through hell so no. So messed up was my head I got some counselling. I was going under and needed to stay afloat.
The counselor has helped me to understand I am not responsible for her actions, but the mum I want is dead now.
She is lost in the mum I have. I am clinging on to a desperate hope she will come back and love me again. If my own mother finds me unlovable why would anyone else love me? It’s a constant thought in my head, I question everyone’s motives and it’s literally driving me nuts.
I’ve got friends I want to reach out too and ask please tell me are you real or lying to me like she did but I am scared of the answers.
I have found myself draw away from everyone including my children. I don’t want them to see me hurt.
They know I am hurting but I can’t tell them why.
I don’t know how to make my mum want me.
The only thing I can come up with is I must be so bad I am abhorred by her.
So I am sitting and waiting for others to realise this and abandon me.
It’s killing me all these thoughts in my mind. They never stop. It’s torture.
My counselor said that I need my mum to die.
Even though it’s the worst possible outcome it’s true.
When she’s gone I will be free.
She can’t damage me further, she can’t hurt me more and I know that I’ll never have my mum back.
The flipside of that is that she wont ever be my mum again, I’ll never be able to make it right.
It’s so confusing.
It’s making me Ill needing her so much.
My mind constantly plays her words over and over.
Waiting for her to want me is destroying me but it’s all I have.
This post is an anonymous post written by an inspiring mum who wishes to share her own experience in the hope of helping others. I have full permission to share this story. Why not share your own story?