I have had to grow up fast, my childhood was lost at the age of 9 when my step dad raped me.
As a child I was never the popular one, never the loud out going one. I was always the quiet and shy one. I didn’t have many friends and as I lived in a small community I was able to go off and play by myself at the beach, play park and on the hills behind my house.
I lived on a small island I always felt safe.
At five years old I was told by my mum that the person I grew up with as my dad wasn’t my dad but he still loved me.
When I was 7 years old my mum and “dad” broke up. I was gutted. My mum soon met another man that I trusted strait away, he was lovely.
He would buy me anything I wanted, we use to walk around Tesco and I could fill the trolley with anything I wanted and he would never say no or put that back instead he would say do you want this?
Holding up a big tub of sweets.
My mum soon got engaged to him and I started to call him dad.
Time flew by, my mum and step dad had booked their wedding for April 1998 just before my 10th birthday, I was so excited my mum was so happy everything was going good.
Three days before my mum got married we went to stay with my uncle as it was closer to where the wedding would take place.
I used to sleep in my uncles room with my brother who was 6, my uncle would sleep on the couch and my mum and step dad had the other room.
The day before the wedding my mum went off to get pampered and my step dad stayed behind to look after us. Later that afternoon I was in bed watching TV, my brother was in the living room playing on the Play Station, the house was full of noise from the stereo and computer.
My step dad came through to the room to check on me and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. As he sat behind me asking questions about the cartoon I was watching.
He gave me a massive hug and kissed my head. I didn’t think anything of it.
The next thing I knew he had his hand over my mouth, flipping me over and stripping me naked.
I couldn’t do anything.
I tried to scream but my brother couldn’t hear me because he was 2 interested in his game and the music was loud.
My step dad pinned me down, my step dad raped me, I was only 9.
Once he had finished he told me to go and have a shower, he stripped the bed and washed it.
When my mum came home he snogged the face off her, I felt fiscally sick.
As he left he whispered in my ear if you tell anyone they wont believe you, you will be taken away and your mum will stop loving you.
I ran off and cried.
He told my mum it was because I was sad he was going away for the night. My mum came and gave me a hug and called me a silly Billy.
Later that night me my mum and brother went out for dinner. I couldn’t sit in peace because I was so sore. My mum put it down to excitement.
The next day was the day of the wedding, I put on the best smile I could and walked down the aisle with my mum and didn’t say a word.
I was scared and wanted so much to tell someone but at 9 years old what was I to say, “my step dad raped me” wasn’t exactly a great conversation topic at a family wedding.
Three weeks went past and nothing else had happened. I thought it was the end of it.
But I had spoken too soon, it started again every time my mum went to work, my room my mum’s room any where he could get me, sometimes even through the night if my mum was working a night shift, it got to the point it was happening 3 times a day.
This became a routine and I just use to just lie there and take it.
Things became rocky between my mum and step dad 4 years later.
My step dad used to drink a bottle of wine each night and Guinness on top, sometimes he would go for a drive absolutely paralytic.
The relationship soon came to an end because there was too much pressure. My mum didn’t know what had gone wrong but she knew it was time to say goodbye.
All the time I never said a thing.
My mum met a new boyfriend a year down the line. I couldn’t trust him, I did everything in my power to push him out my family.
One day I was drunk at my friend’s house and we told each other all our secrets, I told her that my step dad raped me all those years ago. She swore not to tell anyone.
Weeks past and nothing was said until I had a massive argument with my mum’s boyfriend.
He was pissed off that I was late home after my mum had given me a time to be in by (it was also his birthday). My mum’s boyfriend went loopy, sent me to my room and told my friend she would have to go.
Little did I know she said to my mum and her boyfriend she had to talk to them.
She told them I had been raped.
She told them everything.
I came out my room to my mum screaming, grabbing a knife from the kitchen and grabbing her boyfriend’s car keys.
I had to jump on her it took me and her boyfriend to calm her down and get the knife off her, my mum’s boyfriend called the police.
I told them everything.
They arrested my mum’s ex, he was released on bail. It took 2 years to get him convicted.
He pleaded guilty to under age sex as his solicitor had told him I was willing to stand up in court and tell everything.
The evidence was stacked against him.
I didn’t know but my brother had seen it once.
I had scarring down on my lady bits that proved forced entry.
I had all this and I really wanted to stand in court and tell everyone what he had done.
Unfortunately I didn’t get the opportunity too. He was given life on the sex offender ’s register and community service . Not enough in my book but it was a conviction.
To this day I still have nightmares.
But the one thing it has done is made me a stronger person.
I have a lovely husband that I trust 100%, four beautiful children and me and my mum couldn’t be stronger.
My step dad raped me but the one thing “that man” will never do is make me suffer any more.
This blog post was written anonymously and submitted to me to share here on the blog with the hope that by sharing their own experiences they will go on to help others. Why not share your story or experience anonymously with us?