A Real Baby Loss Story – Please note that this post contains graphic glimpses into baby loss and readers may find the content upsetting.
The first time I was pregnant I was 18, I hadn’t found out if it was a boy or girl yet. I just went by what my mother and aunt told me about how I was feeling, not a lot of morning sickness, the way I was showing.
I was completely convinced I was having a boy so I started calling him Alidar.
I was 8-10 weeks, can’t remember too well but I was working at a hotel. I paused while cleaning a room because I had a sharp pain (about 2pm).
I went to the bathroom to discover blood; I freaked out and immediately called my mom to ask what to do.
She asked how much blood? I told her it was quite a bit, like being on my period, really heavy.
She picked me up and drove me to Fresno community where I waited for 7 hours to be seen because the guy throwing a fit about his cat scratch needed to be seen first.
They finally called me back and asked me to give a urine sample so I went in scared to do anything. The last time I had checked I was still bleeding, so I sat down and the first thing I felt was a sharp pain and felt a large mass pass through me.
I knew I had lost my baby
I didn’t have to look to know my baby was gone.
I pulled the nurse help line on the wall and I told her what happened she asked me to stand but the toilet I had been on was an auto flush so I only caught a glimpse before it was all washed away.
I cried all the way to the room they set me up in. They told me I just needed to wait for an ultrasound to see if I needed a DNC.
My mom had called my boyfriend at work and told him what happened and that we’d be home in an hour or so. Time passed and the ultrasound doctor came in and checked me out, yes there was a large mass still in me but he needed to get a better look to determine if it would pass itself; he found to all our surprise, the mass had a heartbeat.
I had been pregnant with twins, my heart stopped ” Will it live?” I asked.
The Doctor didn’t look hopeful, he said its a 50/50 chance at this point, he told me stay off work for a week to see what happens. I was released at 3.30 am my mom and I drove in silence for she had been curled in bed with me crying, we had nothing left but a tiny bit of hope.
My boyfriend picked me up from my moms that morning and we went home to cry again, that second baby held on for two more days before the blood came back and I lost that baby at home.
My mom talked me through everything, my heart was broken. The days passed and I had reasoned with myself that the world wasn’t ready for them and vice versa.
That was September of 2009 right after I had turned 19.
In august of 2010 three days before my 20th birthday I found out I was pregnant again, I flipped, too soon! too soon! how can this be?I’m on the depo shot! we used condoms! Why?
I went to my Doctor and found I was already 8 weeks and we started a high risk pregnancy appointments, a couple of weeks later (at work again but this time at a casino) I started bleeding.
I went to my manager crying and he had the casino EMT’s come get me and sent me to the hospital.
My boyfriend with me instead of my mom, I was in the waiting room 3 hours and they called me back, did a physical the bleeding stopped, they found a heartbeat, the baby was moving on the screen and I was sent home with orders to stay in bed a couple of days.
I called my Doctor and informed them of the occurrence and I was told to come in the next morning. They did a physical and everything was fine. I wasn’t dilated, nothing, no reason I should be bleeding, still don’t know why I did.
We scheduled my first REAL ultrasound for October 11 2010. I was so excited I wanted to know If I was having an Alidar or a Vivian, I thought I was having a girl. Me and a friend of mine went to build a bear and I made a little girl punk bear for my Vivian she would love it.
I went to the ultrasound with my boyfriend Michael, we couldn’t wait to see our baby on the screen, the image came up and I thought it looked like a hamster we laughed, I cried the baby was fine.
The only concern was I had high blood pressure so the babies cord was a little off, but it wasn’t a big concern, we asked if the sex was able to be seen and lo and behold he spread his legs to show us a baby boy.
It was my Alidar, my cute little boy who would have his dads charm and my blond hair and green eyes (I had dreamed him) many weeks and ultrasounds and Doppler.
Later I was told to go to NST’s (non stress tests) twice a week, no problems other than his abdomen being a little smaller than normal for his age group and they just wanted to monitor his heart rate to make sure he was doing fine.
I listened to his heart beat for an hour every other day for the first 4 weeks and twice a week until I gave birth.
I can still hear it, he was a rebel and would kick the heart monitor making it squeak and making the rate drop.
This was our routine and an ultrasound once every two weeks, I didn’t think I was getting special attention I thought that’s just how it went.
On January 25, 2011 I went in for a NST and after an hour they sent me to the main hospital to get a second opinion on a non reassuring heart tracking. I wasn’t worried they had done this before. After 3 hours there they told me ok we’re sending you home.
I just need to get your release papers…OK…. they came in half an hour later with an oxygen mask saying my baby wasn’t getting air. (I still don’t get how an oxygen mask on me helps him I was breathing just fine).
They hooked me up to IVs and said they were doing an emergency C-section, my mind went blank
“I’m only 35 weeks, not extremely early but still to early, leave him in me he’s fine, hes kicking I can FEEL him it must be your equipment messing up, where’s the ultrasound technician I want him up here, I want proof he needs to come out”.
That’s what I was thinking but all that came out was “Is he OK?”
The nurse told me he won’t be unless we get him out soon
My best friend Brie was with me, she went pale and I told her get Michael on the phone and tell him baby is coming. To call my mom and dad to let them know get to Fresno now, the Doctor didn’t show up for an hour which gave Mike just enough time to get there.
When they started cutting into me I was so happy to see him.
He was gonna get to see our baby being born, he was born at 4;01 pm that afternoon crying his lungs out, he was perfectly healthy didn’t need oxygen, didn’t need resuscitation nothing.
My baby was healthy other than the fact he was 3lbs 13oz, he was beautiful he was my KyKy.
Mike cut his cord and was the first to hold him, he brought him over to me so I could see. I was in love. My baby
He was taken to NICU and put on IVs for his blood sugar, he stayed there all six days, at 4 am Jan 26th is when I got to finally hold my baby.
I took pictures, fed him, and just cooed and cried until the nurse told me I had to go back to my room and sleep. I was released Jan 27th but I came back everyday to bring breast milk and visit, hold him feed him, love him and change him.
I was told he would be going home with me in a week, he had sustained his own heat, his blood sugar stabilized, everything. In the mornings I would call and get his updates and find out how much milk I should bring with me.
On the morning of January 31st I called at 9 am he was fine, IVs taken out. He was 4lbs 12oz, just a little concern with his stool is was looser then they’d like,.I told the nurse I was gonna be a little later than normal that day as my grandma wanted to come with me.
I got a call from the head nurse at noon telling me they put the IVS back in he has a stomach infection, “is he OK is it bad?” no he just wasn’t digesting as fast as he should “I’ll be down as soon as my moms out of class, please call me if anything happens”
I received another call at 2 pm telling me his stomach is distended and they need to put a PICC line in “Yes do what you need to make him better I’m on my way down” of course traffic sucked and I didn’t get to the hospital until 5pm (I lived an hour away)
When I got there the charge nurse stopped me at the first door to tell me he has an oxygen tube in his mouth so he doesn’t have to work hard breathing.
I nodded I didn’t know what to expect
He was perfect this morning when I left at 2 am. I continued down the hall to his room.
I was stopped again by another nurse who had taken care of him the night before and she told me he looked bad. His stomach was distended and purple and the oxygen machine was attached to him so I couldn’t touch him too much ,just his one hand (the other had the IV and PICC line) and his hair and she assured me he was not in pain.
He had been given morphine, my heart started thumping unevenly and the thought crossed my mind.
Would my baby die?
“This is the last time your going to see him” I thought.
I shook my head no hes going to be fine, my baby can’t die, they’re gonna take him to a speciality children’s hospital and he’ll be in the hospital a little longer then normal, no biggy.
I walked in and broke down my poor baby.
He was so sick looking, beeping and lights and everything everywhere, what happened?
I hadn’t been gone that long for him to look that bad.
My mom held me and I went and touched his little hand he tried to open his eyes but he was so drugged up he couldn’t.
I was telling him “Its OK mommas here, you don’t have to push hard to do anything, you’re gonna be OK mommas here, I love you”.
I was petting his hair and just looking at his face, (my mom had left to call my step dad). I held his little hand and noticed it was cold.
I looked and it was turning blue
The nurse walked over and started rubbing his feet.
I asked what she was doing that for, she said to stimulate him the first thought in my head was look at his heart monitor it went 120, 90, 90, 80, 60, 20 , ??
I was pushed back while they did compression’s on him.
I didn’t understand at first, then I realised, my babies heart had stopped.
One of the nurses I had made friends with came in and assured me the staff who was taking care of him was the best, that he’d be fine.
She took me into a conference room and all I could think is my babies gone, he died, why? why?
I called my mom to come back up here with me, she came and sat with me and prayed, I thought the nurse lady was coming back in to tell me he made it we’re sending him to Valley Children s for surgery, but it was his doctor, he looked, well pale, he explained to me what they had done.
They had done compression’s and had inserted a needle into his abdomen to release air and all I could think was OK, hes alright right then now? He made it, all he needs now is surgery”
But instead he looked down and said “We didn’t get air, all we got was blood, he sustained a perforation in an artery in his stomach and he bled out internally. I’m sorry but your son didn’t make it”
My world shattered right then
My heart stopped, my body went numb nothing was real
“This isn’t funny” is all my mom said I said I don’t remember “this isn’t funny I don’t like this joke, hes joking right momma?”
She called Michael and told him get to the hospital, they didn’t let me see Kyran until Mike got there and the Doctor explained it all over again.
Mike flipped through chairs, busted a hole in the wall and cried until the security officers came in and said we’d have to leave and not get to see Kyran until he calmed down.
My mom calmed him down and they brought my baby in all dressed in blue and wrapped up, he didn’t look real, he was a doll, a perfect little doll.
I don’t remember much except I didn’t cry until I got to hold him then it hit…the next few days were long and blank.
This is my baby loss story that I wanted to share, to show others who are currently grieving that there is someone else out there who understands their pain, they are not alone.
The pictures used are actual personal pictures, they are not to be used anywhere else.
This blog post was written anonymously and submitted to me to share here on the blog, with the hope that by sharing their own experiences they will go on to help others. This post is true to the best of my knowledge. Why not share your story or experience anonymously with us?